Dreams.

I went out and brought a book on dreams this evening. I think it would have been a good idea if I could remember my dreams. I probably could have looked up my dream meanings on Google. But I like to have something real. That I can touch. And hold. In front of me.

I once had a dream that I was flying over an ocean. Like the picture I up loaded. I was flying with a man. I never spoke to him. But I knew that he was special to me. Eventually we came to land on a two story house. It was my old house that I used to live in before I moved to St George. We landed on the roof. We hugged each other and Kissed each other.

The next thing I knew there were villagers throwing sticks and arrows at us. They were calling out. Calling us 'Witches' and 'Scourers' My partner held onto me and protected me from the deadly things that were being thrown at us. Even though we could fly. I don't know why we didn't take off.

While my partner was holding me. He suddenly gasped. He turned to me wide eyes and scared. I remember that his eyes were black. He had dark hair that swept past his ears. He was amazingly built. And he was mine. I smiled at him. He continued to stare at me then frowned. He looked down and my eyes followed his. I stared in shock. He had an arrow head through his chest. He crumpled to the ground. As a pool of blood formed around him.

I screamed at the top of my lungs. I took off from the roof. But I could not fly as well as I had earlier. Tears were streaming down my face. I just managed to fly above a fence. I made it and was still crying hysterically. As I ran away from the mob that was chasing me.

I woke suddenly when I had this dream to the sensation that I was falling. I was tangled in my sheets and I felt like crying for real. The feelings. Emotions. And despair seemed to follow me from my dreaming world to my awake. And alert world. It took me forever to get back to sleep after I had this dream.

When I got my grubby paws onto this dream book the dream I had above. And the flying part is the first thing that I searched for.

Flying means -

Dreaming of flying as an adult usually indicates that you are feeling unusually happy, buoyant and optimistic. Such dreams generally occur when you've overcome your problems and made real progress in your life. Occasionally a dream of flight is accompanied by feelings of fear and unhappiness. This usually reflects a subconscious with to 'fly away' from all the problems besetting you in your waking life.

I do not know what was happening in my life at the time I had the dream. It was ages ago. But I think the dream represents the latter.

Music.

I believe that if I did not have music. I would not have a life. There are so many songs out there that get everyone through the day. And through there deepest and darkest lows. Or there highest and brightest high.

Without music I believe I would be lost. I have so many favorite artists I would be ranting on forever. Sometimes when I listen to music. I get sad. I feel like going for a walk. Or a run. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. I feel. Believe. And embrace. I find it amazing the type of mood different music can put you into.

I have also been thinking that 2011 is coming up soon. I can feel already that it is the year everything is going to change. I dunno if I am scared Or excited. But what ever is going to happen. Hopefully it will be for the best. If not. I am young and I know I will bounce back.

Nature.

I went for a walk today. It was beautiful. I have been on prettier walks. But this one was just as nice. I never seem to get over the wonder of how beautiful this world is. There are so many amazing things and people out there. And I can not wait to meet and experience these things.

I have seen so many of other peoples pictures and heard so many of other peoples stories that I cannot wait to make my own. One day I want to be able to tell my children all of the amazing things that I have done and seen. They will hold the world in wonder. And want to experience it like I want to.

I want to laugh with foreign people. Listen to there accents. And experience there way of life. I want to travel on the other side of the road. And watch the toilet flush in the other direction. I want to get a tattoo. Have too many drinks <-- Not like I have never done that. Haha. But I would love to have too many drinks in another country. I want to taste exotic foods. And experience exotic places. With exotic people. I want to forget the past. And not worry about the future. I want to have a tan. And feel the sand between my toes. And the walk through the forest as I hear the forest creatures around me and feel at one with my being and everything else.

One day all of this will happen for me. I know it will. Because I am going to make it happen.

Time..

So it his me hard today. As I was minding my own business. I was hit with something that shocked me. This morning at work. I was filling in the date on some paperwork. And I realized that it is the 1/11/10. Okay. So that's not really important. What is, is that I am 21 in 12 days.....

Where the fuck has that time gone? And what the fuck have I done in that time? Nothing. That is 21 years of my wasted life that I will never get back. I am over halfway to 40. Seriously? What the fuck.

I step back and look at my friends lives and I again feel inadequate. I feel like I am not good enough. That I am lacking SOMETHING that makes me special like all of my friends are. Every single one of my friends has something that they are good at. Throw a name at me and I could tell you there gift within a second. Ask me what my talents or gifts are and I freeze. I am not good at anything. That I can think of. And when I do think about what I am good at I get depressed. Because I can't think of anything.

* Sighs * But life must go on. I do get the feeling all of the time that there is something bigger and better out there for me. Maybe one day something drastic will happen. And my life will change forever. I really do wish that day would hurry up. I do not know how much longer I can survive living for a dream. That may or may not happen.

Alone.

I feel like I am alone in this world. All of my friends seem to be having kids. Getting Married. Have boy friends or girlfriends. Are going amazing things. Or are traveling the world. But me? No I have not done or had any of those things yet. And I am 21 next month. I feel like I am always 2 years behind everyone. Most of my grade had boy friends or girl friends in school. I did not have one until after. Probably a year and a half after. Most of my friends have traveled. I am only starting to travel next year. Most of my friends have had numerous partners. I have only had one.

Maybe it is because I live in St George that I feel the way I do. We have a very limited choice in men here. I think it could almost be as extreme as 3 boys to 1 girl. Whenever I meet someone, They are too young. They are not looking for a relationship. They have children. They are engaged. Or they have a girlfriend. I seriously do not know why I bother even searching and going out sometimes.

I have always been a hermit. And I like it that way. Life is simple when I can read a book. Stay home in my trackies. Instead of going out. Getting hit on my fat, Balding men. Or by "Bogans" I feel comfortable at home. I feel comfortable not having to prove myself. I think that I am weird. And awkward. And stupid. An idiot. Uncontrollable. Loud. Not like the rest. And I think that if someone gets to close to me they are going to get scared. Or freaked out because I am "Odd" I prefer to stay home. Maybe from now on that it what I will do. It's easier that way. Things will happen eventually. I am not putting myself out there anymore.

HEY YOU!!

Yeah, you. I walked past you today. I wanted to laugh and point. But Didn't. I dunno why...

I still get sick every time that I look at you and it has been years... When I step back and look at our friendship I realize how immature you are. I really am glad to be away from all of that mess. We had an awesome friendship, but all good things come to an end. I look at your life and I would hate to be where you are. You may think you have it all, but I am telling you now. YOU DON'T.

My life has been great since we fought. I have moved on and up. I have amazing friends and have done amazing things. All without you. I am proud of where I am. I have a full time job. I have money. I have an awesome family and friends. I have no debt. And I am loving life. All without you. I hope if you ever do read this, it hurts. I tried being nice to you. But you did not even reply to me. So Fuck you I say. And good riddance.

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